An important assertiveness skill is learning how to express a need or concern without blaming or judging others. This can be done by making an “I-Statement.”

An I-Statement is used when you have a specific problem or need that you want to share in order to engage the other person in helping you solve it.

They are different from “You-Statements” which tend to make the other person feel criticized or blamed. “You-Statements” cause others to back away and not want to help us.

Making an “I-statement” allows you to sort through your feelings and emotions to try to identify exactly what you feel, to try to specify what the other party has done (or not done) which contributes to your feeling, and what the consequences might be for you. It is non-judgmental.

I-Messages are comprised of “feeling” + “description of other’s action” and “Impact on you”.

Try to be as descriptive (who has done what) as possible, rather than judgmental about the other person’s behaviour.

“I am feeling anxious because you haven’t explained all of the possible side effects of the chemotherapy and how you can deal with those. I just don’t know whether to go ahead with it or do something else.”

“I am upset because I have been told by my doctor this treatment will help me deal with my anemia and fatigue, but the provincial drug plan will not pay for it. I am afraid that I will not be able to stay on my cancer treatment without it.”

“I am angry because I have been asking for home care support for my mother for the past six months and I have not gotten a response from your department. As a result, I can’t make any plans for my work or family.”